I’m back

I’m back and I have no idea what I’m doing…other than doing something that I enjoy….and seems to help me on this journey….WRITING.

Not sure what direction this post is going to take, because I just came home from vacation, which while it was very fun….was very emotional for me.  And, I don’t know why.   But I do know that I have to get it out of me and here is where I have to do it. 

First,  Gary has been all over my mind.  I’m worried about him.  I’m not sure what’s up with him.  Not sure if he’s okay.  Not sure of anything about Gary anymore.  But Gary hurt me and hurt me worse than just about any human being on the face of this earth could do.   I wish I could stop caring, but I can’t.  And, I’m worried about him.  But, that’s all I can do…I can’t reach out to him.  I can’t do anything else for or about him.  So I’m left with him in my mind…and all the hurt that he dished out.  He has no idea what he even did…but it really doesn’t matter and isn’t worth hashing over at this time. 

Second….HEIDI….Everyday…I sit and think about Heidi and what she did and how she was able to do it.  Did she get special training.  How on earth did an obese woman who doesn’t appear to have any special “real” talent…how did she do it?  I smile when I think about it.  Why…..because she wants to hurt me….but she can’t.  She is powerless to me.  I took my power back.  Do I think about it?  Sure….it’s intriguing thinking about her and all the dynamics that are created by her actions.  It’s really wild.  I mean it brings out so many dynamics…from those that just shrug her off as a nobody who scammed some folks out of $60 each to others who are OBSESSED with bringing her down.  Those who want to talk about her all the time and others who are content to just get the updated information and go about there day.  Folks who engage in vigilante justice and others who patiently await the outcome.  Some folks have their passive-aggresssive buttons pushed.  Others who are vicious.  Some are compassionate.  And…some who even still suppport her.   But……if you really really really look at her supporters.  They are not supporting her.  They are supporting their right to choose.  Now…before you challenge this statement.  Go out and read what her supporters are writing.  No one ever writes anything in support of Heidi Diaz.  They write that they have the right to chose there WOE.  They write that they have the right to their choice and they try to support their choice…but there is no real support for Heidi Diaz.  She is standing very much alone right now.  Well, alone except for her paid legal attendants.  She is friendless.  She is exactly what she is.  an obese, lonely, woman and she can’t stop the trainwreck.  Well, she can…..but either she can’t swallow her pride and arrogance long enough to stop it…or she is to ignorant to stop it.  I’m not sure which….but I don’t picture her as an ignorant woman.  I’d actually love to chat with her.  Mostly out of amazement.  I’d like to pick up my phone one day and hear a voice on the other end that says…hey Dee…it’s Heidi.  Not sure what I’d say back….but I really think it would be a conversation.  What the heck gave you this idea?  Did it seem like a good idea?  Did you think people would get hurt or were you just scamming without thinking? 

I’ve met people who prefer to just move on with their lives and others who can’t seem to keep away from this story. 

For me…this story is part of my journey.   At this point in time, it’s a bigger part of my story than the LAPBAND, why…..because I learned so much from this experience.  I learned how easy it is to develop a “cult” like mentality.  I learned that eating disorders are real.  I learned that people are “fake nice”…(I’d be talking about Heidi there).  I learned that I am vulnerable and that in order to continue on the weight loss journey, I need to remain vulnerable.  At 350 lbs I had no vulnerabilities, I didn’t let people see enough of me to develop a vulnerable spot.

Finally, those cyber-bullies out there.  They are there.  They can call it whatever they want and justify it anyway they see fit.  It’s what they are.  Guess what.  you can’t ever satisfy a bully and I’m done trying.  From here forward, this is where I will be discussing my journey.  Here and my journal at Livin La Vida Low Carb.  I only need to please me here, no one else.   There is no cyber-blackmail here or at Living La Vida Low carb, nor is there cyber-bullying, stalking, antagonizing, etc. 

Thanks to all the supporters that I have had…you know who you are…you know why you are important to me.  I’m not going to list all of you for the risk of leaving one out.   But….you are very important in my journey and you will never be forgotten.

NOW ON WITH THE SHOW!